genuine

My bedroom smells like leather. You know, that earthy, healthy real leather smell that boggles the mind because cows most certainly don't smell that good? I wake up in the morning and breathe it in before I even open my eyes and remember that I have a new camera bag. And that it was made to order out of real leather. I try not to be so materialistic most of the time, but I get something new so seldom these days and let's be honest...this camera bag is possibly the most beautiful thing I have ever clapped eyes on. So I revel in it. And breathe in the smell. And put my camera in, and take my camera out, and put my camera in again. And I adjust the strap for the hundredth time and I heft it onto my shoulder and I dare to pretend that I am somebody important with my genuine leather. Even now, I quietly tell myself that someday, if I work very very hard, that might actually be true.

'manhattan' camera bag is from copper river bags

blech

Today I'm sick. Well, I'm usually sick, but today I just needed to let all systems crash. You know how that goes. After days of moisturizing the rashes and performing pointless peak flow breathing tests and pretending I don't even feel the nerve pain anymore...there comes a point where I just need to wrap myself in a bathrobe and completely stop moving. Fingers are the exception.

If you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about, here's the 411 on a strictly need-to-know basis. I might possibly have a cellular disorder - possibly because they don't do the testing in canada and I can't exactly afford to go state-side to see a specialist. So when I do complain - and I promise it's not often - about having an 'old man' day or proclaim that people who wear perfume ought to be incarcerated, then you'll understand what I'm talking about.

Funny thing is, for years I was too much of a coward to be a writer. All I could see were piles and piles of obstacles and impossibilities. And for a single gal who needs some means of supporting herself, writing could be viewed (and is, by many) as a stupid pipe dream...like being a supermodel or a nobel prize winner. Many aspire...very few achieve. And so I tucked my dreams away in exchange for practical things I happened to be good at. And I was fairly happy. I would say content. And then I got sick and all practicality went straight to hell.

I had no choice but to create a career out of nothing. And then being a writer didn't seem like such a joke. Because my whole life became impossible, so even the biggest of dreams wasn't any harder than living out tomorrow. And now I know better than to let practical limitations deter me from trying. Now I know that it wasn't really impossible at all. I just wish I could have come to that conclusion without experiencing all the 'old man' days...

Just consider mine a cautionary tale. A magic wand is impossible. Realizing your dreams is not.

diy: bleached curtains

Sometimes I surprise myself. Because I am drawn often and irresistibly to something that I really ought to think hideous. That I should hate. That I would have hated in another time and place. I suppose when you get so comfortable with yourself that you think you know everything that goes on in your own head, you're just asking for trouble. That's precisely when you start to change without even realizing that you're doing it. And suddenly you LOVE the kinda tie dyed bleached curtains that you just made. Astounding!

I had curtains in a common greeny gold color. And now I have blotchy traffic cone orange. And all it took was a little bleach and water and a bit of nerve. Because bleach is scary at the best of times. But maybe it's the fact that this DIY project could have gone so horribly wrong that makes me love the results so much. Yikes. Maybe that means I'm even more complicated than I ever suspected...

To see the full DIY post, click here...

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hunger

Today I feel the need to express my gratitude for fruit. Yes, you read that correctly. Fruit. Because I turn into an asthmatic old man if I eat imported produce. And so I eat apples all winter long and little else which means by mid november I'm ready to set fire to the okanagan (where our locally grown apples come from). I wouldn't really do that. But variety is a gift that I have to do without for nearly half of the year and it is a hardship (yeah, I need to move). Once the yankee berries and citrus start to trickle back into the grocery store I feel like a woman reborn. And when the plums and nectarines arrive...oh boy!

Eating by season is difficult, but not as difficult as living by season. The best parts of your life tend to wait for the right moment to come along. Whatever constitutes the 'right moment', I have no idea. But there's no urging or rushing allowed. And in the grand scheme of things, there's no such thing as 'ought to be ', only what 'is '.

What do you do for example when you're of the age to be giving unsolicited advice on dating to your teenager and you don't have so much as an infant? No mortgage, no piles of laundry or braces to pay for, no soccer games to scramble out of the house for or school notices taped to the refrigerator. Sometimes I feel like a sour green that stubbornly refuses to ripen and has been left hanging, resolute and alone on the tree. Only in my darkest hours, of course. Usually I'm too busy to think about what I lack. But the fact remains, for whatever reason, this is not my season for a family. And sometimes it feels like focus...and other times it feels like starvation. When you start to count birthdays in terms of how many good child-bearing years you have left, you know what a  long winter really feels like. But life isn't a grocery list to be checked off as you collect things in your basket. It's just life. And today, silly as it is, I am just really grateful for fruit.

brave is beautiful

Bravery comes from experience. When you manage to live through something tough, you get the idea that you can live through other tough things and then suddenly you're brave without knowing exactly how it happened. I used to be that kid who was afraid of her shadow. But the thing is...I didn't die. And because I survived those painful little terrors of childhood and adolescence, I knew I could survive the horrors of adulthood. More than survive...thrive.

You may remember my previous minor adventure in fashion  when I was invited to cover a local fashion event (click here) Over the weekend I returned for the spring/summer show and lo and behold, that little bit of nagging self doubt I experienced last time was nothing but a distant glitch. I thought long and hard about why I felt so different this time around and I think it's because of that lame dove ad that's been everywhere lately. You know the one where women are made to feel temporarily better about themselves because of the shaky opinions of strangers? All fears stem from a suspicion that we won't measure up. And all courage comes from a belief that no matter what happens, we can face it. Somehow.

So I wrote down my thoughts on beauty in an attempt to get at the heart of my own opinion on the subject and it turns out that I'm braver today than I was six months ago because I am learning to appreciate the beauty of others as a thing uncomparable to myself. I am learning to see beauty as a gift rather than a necessity. And I am learning to see how beautiful I am in my own right. And that makes me brave.

to read the full post on bliss-ologie, click here
to see my backstage coverage of the fashion show, click here

snapped + saw = want : sun goes down

img of carey mulligan vogue  .  anis green sofa dublin

machine jean acid wash  .  minimum gella blazer  .  marc jacobs slim line sunnies
roberto collina knit  .   frye veronica combat boot

copper river manhattan camera bag  .  max tesutti scarf

I'll give you a present if you like me...

Self promotion is the ickiest part of having a freelance career. A necessary evil I could do without, and yet can't do without, as it so happens. In an effort to alleviate the intense and inexplicable guilt I feel over telling people how great I am, I studied my one year old bean as she proudly displayed her toddler antics around the living room, shouting her new favorite word which is 'watch'. I did watch as she rolled off the sofa and looked upside down through her chubba legs and ran around the house completely assured of her awesomeness. And I wondered, 'now why can't I do that?'

It's hard to let people know that you're out there and that you're talented. But people do it every day, even little people who speak in one word sentences and walk around with raisins stuck to their butt. This weekend is the perfect opportunity to do my own metaphorical belly roll off the couch and I've decided the best way to promote my business without the accompanying torment that assails me every time I try to boast, is to give people presents. Yeah, I'm basically bribing strangers to like me. And that's how I roll.  Miniature water colors and wallet sized prints are just the beginning. Or maybe I'll just bring the bean along and let her work the room for me...

DIY ombre tee

I'm not handy with a needle and thread. I tend to glue and staple things if I can. So you can imagine that when it comes to DIY fashion, I'm not particularly useful. Home decor, I am so on top of. Wardrobe renovation...not so much. But there's this tee shirt.

I found it in a pile of grody cast-offs at a church clothing exchange. And it was plenty grody itself and so worn out it was almost shiny. But so soft and not too clingy. And I think we all understand the value of a tee shirt like that. So I took it home and wore it around the house and more times out in public than I care to admit. And I knew in my heart of hearts that I would have to do something to make it more presentable since  parka weather is subsiding and I won't be able to hide under layers of wool anymore.

Thus the ombre tee shirt project was born. Because while I cannot hem worth a damn, I can certainly dip dye. I used to get all down on myself for not being talented at everything. But now I think the fact that I safety pin my shirt closed rather than sew on a new button is quite wonderful.

Please stop by Bliss-ologie (my new creative and co-operative venture) to see the whole project.

go to bliss-ologie